After my eventful trip to the dentist on Friday afternoon, and then our date night Friday evening, which he spent about 20 minutes of in K-mart trying to find me some Sensi-Gel or OraGel, he’s so sweet. And then Saturday we cleaned part of the house before we left to go to my parents house so my dad’s friend could finish fixing the driver’s side window (the weather channel said we’re getting more rain this week and the idea of yet more rain slowly pouring into my new (used) car and eventually ruining it doesn’t appeal to me at all. Dad’s friend is fixing it for us for free, so I’m happy. He knows we’re in a tight spot right now, and all he asked is that we keep him company while he fixes it and that we have a few drinks with him (we brought him an 18-pack of Bud Light) and Mr. Rockstar had a few beers with him and I had almost a whole bottle of wine. My tooth wasn’t hurting by the time I got halfway through the bottle. But the idea of drinking so I can numb the pain in my tooth and my uterus doesn’t appeal to me. I’ll end up an alcoholic before I can get everything fixed (not a good idea).
Mr. Rockstar took one look at my face Friday evening and said, “You’re in a lot more pain than you’re letting on.” I nodded. I won’t lie to him. I don’t lie to to him, but I’d tried to hide how much pain I was really in so he wouldn’t worry so much. It’s so much easier to hide the pain from people who don’t really pay attention, but he actually pays attention. I think my daughter must have talked to my mom and realized how much pain I’m in, or exactly what having the uterine fibroid’s means because she’s much more understanding now.
Today I’m supposed to run errands. I have a few things I need to do, but I’m in a great deal of pain right now, I think the antibiotic is working because instead of just the constant pain I also now have this throbbing pain. I’m assuming the antibiotic is clearing up the infection. And then on top of that, my whole female area: womb is aching, I can feel the pain all the way through from front to my lower back. I’m swollen again–look like I’m about 5 months pregnant. I feel like an alien has taken over my body. My body is no longer my own. It doesn’t feel like it belongs to me anymore. It’s filled with pain constantly. My stomach looks swollen and pregnant, and I’m not. It hurts all the damn time. And I feel like I no longer know who I am or what I’m doing. I’ve lost my way and the pain just tears at me until all sense of direction is gone.
During the day I am home by myself and I try to get a few things done around here: I’ll wash dishes but I have to do it in phases because standing up at the sink for a long time like that washing and rinsing and all of that constant movement hurts and by the time I’m done, if I don’t break it up into phases, I’m not much good for the rest of the day. I can sit, as I sit here and type, but after a little while I have to get up and stretch. Until I broke the heating pad I was oftentimes sitting with the heating pad either pressed against my back or my stomach so that I felt better. I’ve broken yet another heating pad.
So now I’m trying to gather the strength to get up and go get dressed (I’m still in pj’s) and then go run the errands I need to run. So far, I haven’t gotten enough strength together. Some days it’s all I can do to walk around, even getting up to go to the bathroom hurts, so getting up and getting dressed and then leaving the house and driving somewhere or to a few where’s and all that walking and getting in and out of the car just seems like way too much. So I sit here at my desk, in the comfort of my home, which my husband works really hard to maintain, and I drink my coffee and I write. I’m working on my novel, but the past few days I’ve been having a little bit of writer’s block. I’m guessing it’s the additional pain from my tooth that has me distracted.
I’m very lucky that my husband is so supportive and caring. He tells me not to worry about it, not to overdo it, and to go ahead and write my book, maybe we’ll get luck and it’ll be a best seller–I don’t care about that part, though it would be nice, I just want to be published. I love reading and writing, and if my words help inspire someone then that would be so amazing and awesome. I’d feel like I really accomplished something. So I sit here with medication on my desk, a reminder that I need to take the antibiotic again at 3 PM, and the pain medication at 2 PM. I have to go to the DR tomorrow. Fun! And I need to call the oral surgeon some time today or tomorrow and try to make an appointment, if he’s part of the network. We have dental insurance and vision, but no health. We just couldn’t afford the $150 a week, and then still have a $10,000 deductible—what kind of craziness is that?
Yet I feel lazy, worthless, needy, helpless, lonely, and angry and sad all at the same time. I hate being in pain like this. It’s debilitating. I feel like there’s someone holding my body hostage. I want to be free of this damn pain so I can live my own life, my real life again. I want to go back to being able to clean the whole house in a day, to being able to have sex whenever I want to and not having to wait until I’m having a good day without much pain. I want my own life back, I want my “self” back. But until then, I’ll continue to do the best that I can, and part of that means hiding the pain behind a smile when anyone’s around.