Wait a minute, am I really in my 40’s?

14 Mar

High School…My senior cruise

Truly, it seemed like just the other day I was in my early 30’s and yet the realization that I am in fact in my 40’s, mid 40’s pushing 46 soon. WTH? When did I turn 40 something? When did my hair turn grey–I’ve been coloring it for so long now that I hadn’t realized the front–what used to just be a streak has slowly turned into the whole right front? When did I get these crows feet? When did I put on that 20 lbs, oh wait a minute it’s actually more like 30 or 40 now that I have the uterine fibrosis…And speaking of those damn tumors, when the hell did I end up almost disabled? Since when did I become OLD? I didn’t feel old until I got these damn tumors and am all but disabled. I didn’t feel old before I gained this additional 20 lbs because of the damn tumors either.

I just don’t know when all of this happened. So gradually I didn’t notice, or maybe I’ve just been so happy I haven’t really been paying attention.

I feel like I woke up one morning and I was fat, old, wrinkled, and though I still look much younger than my age–I have aged. I found a picture of me just after I left the ex and then one that is exactly one year later. …There’s a huge difference. Let’s see if I can post them side by side. I’m not so great at getting the pics to line up the way I want them to yet. Nope didn’t get it to work right..So  the one with the red sweater and glasses is 2 months after I left the ex…Christmas of 2009. The other one  is October 2010–one year later. See the vast improvement. I died my hair and got rid of the grey, I began wearing contact lenses again, and I started wearing makeup again–plus I lost 20 lbs. ( Need to lose that 20 lbs plus some all over again.)

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Now here are some other pics. These were taken right around when I saw Mr. Rockstar for the first time but we hadn’t actually met yet. One with curly hair, one with straight hair. (My hair is naturally curly.) May 2011:

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Now here is a pic of how I looked when we met. I’d just cut almost all my hair off. I’d needed a change.


Now here’s a pic of us when we got engaged:

One of our engagement pictures

One of our engagement pictures

And here’s a pic now:  I can tell how bloated I look. I can tell how happy I am, and I still look younger than I am, but I can also tell that I really have to do something to feel better, to get better, to be healthier because my health, or lack thereof, is beginning to show. Not a good thing. It’s time for some real changes. Now I just need to figure out what I can do (with the tumors, until they can be removed) to feel better and get healthier.



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3 responses to “Wait a minute, am I really in my 40’s?

  1. TheImaginator

    March 15, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    From those pictures I would say Mr Rockstar is a lucky fella. Sorry to learn that you have uterine fibroids; I know nothing about this but a quick internet search says these are benign (hope they are) and that they can be removed surgically or by cutting off the blood supply to the fibroid to make the tumors shrink. From the words you’ve used you aren’t taking this laying down, good for you; keep fighting!

    • Lissa

      March 15, 2013 at 1:55 pm

      Thank you. I’ve been feeling really frustrated of late because there are all of these things I usually do and/or want to do and I haven’t been able to do them because of the pain caused from the tumors, but I wallowed in my self-pity and vented for a few days and then realized I really needed some cheese and crackers with my whine…which of course prompted me to take a long look at what I really wanted and could do. I can walk. I can’t go to the gym, but I can walk and it’s really good exercise. I can clean my house, which is exercise, I just have to pace myself and not overdo it. I can get up every morning and embrace life and take control over what I can control. The Dr gave me the Depo shot to help cut off the blood supply, and it is helping a little, but surgery requires health insurance, which we don’t have at the moment. Usually they are benign, but cancer (all different types) tends to run in my family so my family is worried. Mr. Rockstar is worried and gets mad at me when I do too much. But honestly, I can’t not do things. I can’t put my life on hold. Looking at pictures that were taken over the past few months I’ve realized I have to do something or this is gong to take over my life. I want to live my life not have my life live me. Thus, the plans to make some definite changes. I started this morning. 😀

  2. briannabrenner

    March 18, 2013 at 7:29 am

    For the record I take about a thousand pictures of myself and then delete them all.


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