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Recovering from major surgery

I feel like I’m broken, and an invalid, and yet my mind doesn’t connect what my body feels. In my mind i am fine, perfectly healthy, and ready to do what I need to do, want to do, should be doing, am normally doing. BUT my body is not quite ready for my normal routine. Not that my normal routine is major, but it’s definitely too much for someone who just had major surgery less than a week ago.

“Baby, what are you doing?” my husband asks as I lean down to pick up the dirty clothes off the floor.

I look up at him with what I know is a confused expression on my face and see the reprimand in his face as I look back down at the pile of dirty clothes. I am not supposed to be picking things up like that, nor am I supposed to wash dishes, sweep, mop, drive, lift anything more than a gallon of milk or a bag of sugar. According to my husband, I am not to lift a finger to do any type of housework what-so-ever at all. But right now he is in his (big) truck letting it warm up and I am sipping coffee and writing this. I made coffee this morning, but that’s only because he was snoozing, trying to get that extra ten minutes of sleep before having to get up–when he woke up and realized I’d made coffee he “fussed” at me.

I feel like an invalid. It’s nice to be waited on, to a point, but after that point it becomes frustrating. Not only is my husband still working and can’t be expected to do everything, and my son can help some, but I should be able to do for myself–simple things at least, yet I KNOW that there are some things I cannot do, should not do so that I can heal properly, but damn I should be able to make a pot of coffee, or throw a few clothes in the washer but then that means putting them in the dryer and then taking them out of the dryer. I get it. I do.

I’ll be so glad when I am healed enough to take care of myself-myself. When I can do dishes–I know, I can’t believe I said that, who the hell wants to do dishes? But it’s better when you have the option, at least. If I ‘m not doing dishes because I don’t want to or don’t feel like it’s different than when you cannot, aren’t supposed to, or aren’t allowed. Thank goodness for my wonderful husband and family.

I never thought I’d miss doing housework, but damn if I don’t.

 
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Posted by on February 16, 2015 in life

 

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IT’S BEEN AWHILE…

So things have been crazy around here. Tumors (that I still have but have finally eased up some). Pinched nerve in my shoulder blade (for 2 months now and has caused me limited mobility in my right arm–and wouldn’t you know I’m right handed).

I’m still here. Still kicking. But I’ve taken a break. I’m not publishing on my author blog http://burgesstaylor7911.wordpress.com/

According to everything I’ve read authors/writer’s should brand themselves…So that’s what I’ve done. For those of you who are more interested in the writing stuff that would be the blog to follow. This one is more personal…

Things are better. My son will leave for bootcamp the end of December (he joined the Army). My husband starts a new job on October 20th. My grandson started daycare one week ago and loves it. He’s getting so big. He’ll be fifteen months old on the 15th. My daughter has her two year degree and is working on another degree and working. And me, well I’m writing, trying to get well, organizing the house on my good days, and spending time with family. I babysat my grandson the whole month of August while his father was out of town so I was extremely busy that month–that’s when the pinched nerve started…

I’ll be doing NaNoWriMo in November and am trying really hard to write an outline now so that I’m prepared and don’t get lost at the midpoint of my novel like last year.

I’ve also been catching up on television shows and movies via Netflix. (Big fan of Netflix)

Well, I can’t promise I’ll write every day, but I’ll be writing at least once a week. Hope all of you are well.

 

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Assil…or Lissa Backwards in Bizarro World

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need coffee now

The Daily Prompt: The Bizarro World

In the DC comics universe, a planet called “Htrae” (“Earth” spelled backwards) is populated with bizarre versions of superheroes. A Seinfeld episode made the idea of this Bizarro World popular, where the characters encountered their opposite selves.

Craft a scene in which you meet an opposite version of yourself — or a story in a bizarre, backwards world.

 Meeting the opposite version of myself, sort of like How I Met My Mother’s doppelganger episodes, would be interesting. Everywhere I’ve lived at least one person has said, “Hey, don’t I know you?” or “You look just like…” even my husband saw what he swears is my doppelganger. So as I sit here contemplating my opposite version of myself I can’t help but wonder if she’d be my twin physically but my opposite personality wise… So that’s how I’m going to take it.
Assil would be an extroverted introvert. She’d be the life of the party! She’d be physically fit (since right now I’m in chronic pain that sounds so wonderful) and run marathons. She’d have OCD instead of ADHD, and her entire house would be organized and spotless. She’d be a published author and photographer. She would not procrastinate, and she’d never be late. But she’d be single and lonely. She’d live in the city in a fancy loft with too many casual friends and no real friends. She’d travel all over the place and love the sights and sounds but she’d have no one except her audience to share it with. She wouldn’t have to worry about whether she needed to choose between buying a whole weeks worth of groceries, putting gas in the car, or going to the doctor and getting medication. She wouldn’t have to worry about anyone but herself but there would be no one worrying about her, except her agent who just wants to make sure everything is on schedule.
I could go on…But the truth is I like me. I actually love me. Flaws and all. I am as fit as I can be considering I’m in constant pain. I have a husband and family who love me. My husband and most of my family actually appreciate me and enjoy my company. (Notice I said most, I’m living in the real world and I know that my ramblings, quick change of topic, tardiness, ADHD, and lack of real organizational skills do get on some people’s nerves on occasion.) I have finally started working on my dream and am writing a book. I’ve got an awesome starter camera (it’s a Canon PowerShot SX150IS) that was a birthday gift last year from my amazing and wonderful husband, whom I call Mr. Rockstar because he has the most amazing voice (he was in a band when we met: lead singer and guitar player). He has no idea of talented he really is. I have a beautiful and wonderful 9 month old grandson who lights up my world every time I even think about his sweet face. Mr. Rockstar actually likes my cooking. And I have coffee!  I have wonderful friends that I love, care about, and appreciate and who feel the same way about me. The life that we dream or imagine when we’re young, or when we’re having a bad day and think, “If only I could…” or “If only I were…” is often like that cliche… The grass is not always greener on the other side…
grass is greener
No, I’m happy being me. I don’t want or need to be anything different than what, who, and how I am.
 

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The past few days have been rough

Doing the best that I canI’ve sat down at the computer several times over the past few days to write, but each time I began the mouse acted up, or the pain hit me hard, or I just felt overwhelmed by all of it: everything breaking either at the same time or back to back, like the dryer and then the washer making funny noises, the microwave a few months ago, the head light on the car, the spark plugs and wires and the coil pack, not to mention the driver’s side window that wouldn’t roll all the way up (and the windows are electric)…

And then I’m in pain almost constantly but when the shooting pains, those overwhelming pains that make me double over and it’s all I can do to stand up for a few minutes or walk to the bathroom. And forget doing dishes or cooking dinner or hanging clothes out on the line or sometimes even taking a shower because I have to stand there for a good bit of time…

Pretending to be happyYou know it’s sad when you’re in so much pain you dread taking a shower even though you know it will make you feel better and you’ll feel refreshed. Well the past few days have been rough. First I got insomnia because of the pain. Then I was hurting more because I didn’t get much sleep and had to help my daughter with the baby because she had an 8-10 page paper due. I did too much, which only made the pain worse, plus the lack of sleep didn’t help. Yesterday the damn mouse for my desktop was going crazy. It kept freezing and I couldn’t do anything witout every time I turned around clicking Control Alt Delete, and that’s not a good thing. I finally gave up. Though I did manage to moderate some comments and check my email from my phone.

I admire those people who can stay calm despite painWe had a late dinner because I didn’t feel good and Mr. Rockstar cooked dinner (red pepper and garlic creamy tomato soup with grilled pepper jack cheese and honey ham sandwishes with sweet tea–YUMMY!)  I went to bed early. I slept on and off, and finally got up in the wee hours of the morning. I got up, the mouse was still misbehaving. I’d had the virus and maleware scans running overnight, which turned up nothing. So it wasn’t that. It had to be the damn mouse. I read some more. I am currently reading Kevin Nearne’s the Iron Druid Chronicles. I’m on the second book, Hexxed. I fell asleep while reading, about half an hour after I’d taken the pain medication, which I don’t really like to take. I woke up just before Mr. Rockstar got home. He got off early today so after he got home and had a cup of coffee we went to Staples and got a new mouse. I also got some colored post-it notes, some more Sharpie pens, and had the pictures from our wedding developed finally so I can make the scrapbooks for our mom’s for Mother’s Day.

If the sea were to drag me down

From pinterest…

When I have to go run errands it always drains me and leaves me in immense pain, and since I was in pain before we left it only got worse. But there were things to do. Mr. Rockstar got the clothes off the line while I began washing the dishes. Once he was done he took over washing the dishes so I could cook. He likes my cooking way better than he likes his own, lol! So we had Hillshire’s smoked sausage with onions and zucchini and squash with garlic and herb couscous (first time trying that), and some crescent rolls. Dinner was awesome, if I do say myself. but by the time I was finished cooking Mr. Rockstar made our plates and I made our glasses of sweet tea and I plopped my butt right on the couch and pushed the recliner lever and ate my food while I watched Criminal Minds. And tomorrow I’ll watch last night’s episode of Supernatural on the computer. I’m so happy I have a new mouse and that my computer is working :D.

tough times don't lastI was in too much pain to sit at the computer to write, but I did my post for today’s Daily Prompt. The past few days I just haven’t been able to (because of the mouse as well as the pain). But what the past few days have taught me is that I can take a day off from things, including housework, the computer, writing, or whatever. I know that I’ll be busy next month. I have 2 scrapbooks to make, and CampNaNo starts on April 1st. I’ll make it through all of those projects, and I’ll have fun and I’ll be a stronger writer, as well as a happier person. Making scrapbooks for other people makes me happy. I like cataloging memories like that, and making it personal, and seeing the smile on their face when they look at it for the first time. My daughter began crying when she was going through the one I made for her of my beautiful grandson. I began it with pictures of her that were taken at different stages of her pregnancy and went from there. And there’s room to add more pages to it. She said it was way better than a baby book. It made me feel so good that she loved it and that it was special to her.

Never DwellSo as I finish putting a few last minute things together, now that my new wireless mouse is all hooked up and working, I’m ready to try to get some sleep. It’s time for me to break out the Nestle Quik and make myself a glass of chocolate milk and take another pain pill so I can try to get some sleep. Mr. Rockstar is passed out in his recliner and I need to make sure his alarm is set. He’ll wake up and come get in the bed or he’ll sleep in the recliner :D, but waking him up is really hard when he’s that tired, poor thing. I’m so thankful that I married such a wonderful, generous, caring, and loving man. He really does know me well enough to know that no matter how much pain I’m in if I can do I will do, even if it hurts. He knows me well enough to know that as soon as he saw my face when he got home from work that today was a rough day. He often fusses at me for doing too much, and that my primary job right now is to take care of his wife. Until we have insurance and I can have the surgery the pain isn’t going to go away, and all I can do is try to make it through the bad days with a smile on my face because regardless of the pain I’m in I have the love of my life, a wonderful family, awesome kids, a beautiful grandson, and amazing friends. I’m blessed and I’m thankful.

I will keep telling you

Tomorrow is a new day.

 

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Sláinte!

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Well it’s St. Patrick’s Day Weekend, and it’s Friday. TGIF! And I’m already having a glass of wine.

nothing a glass of wine and flat iron

I’ve flat-ironed my hair, then added just a bit of curl to the bottom, I’m wearing a green felt hat for St. Patty’s Day, with a Dr. Suess Green Eggs and Ham t-shirt. Yes, I’m Irish (and Scottish) and we will use any all opportunities to celebrate around here.

is it wine o clock

I’m a bit excited. We don’t go out often, but we’re going to a friend’s birthday celebration, so I’ve taken my light-weight pain pill already (had it with lunch), and from here on out it won’t be anything except the wine, which will numb the pain but I won’t get too drunk (I hate hangovers and at my age they’re worse, or maybe they just feel worse).

glass of wine and proper use of vocabular

So the jeans are still hanging from the door sills and they’re not dry yet, Dammit! I have a pair that I can wear if push comes to shove, but I’m hoping they’ll be dry before it’s time to go. Keeping fingers and toes crossed we’re able to fix the dryer tomorrow, and saying prayers.

Think you can

I’ve been thinking about something all day, and as I began to do my hair (and it takes a long time to straighten this mass of unruly curls I have) and sipped on my wine, I tried to sort through the thoughts.

write it quote by james joyce

There are times when you just have to work, live, write, laugh, and love through the pain. You can’t let life live you–you have to live life. I love Mr. Rockstar with all of my heart, mind, body, and soul. And I’m the happiest I’ve ever been (aside from this almost chronic pain). I have this beautiful 8 mth old grandson. And I’m writing every day. I finished the scrapbook for my daughter for her Mother’s day present, and I’m about to start working on two more: one for my mom and Mr. Rockstar’s mom. So it’s been a good week. A week of revelation, venting, inspiration, and soul searching.

life is full of testing times

As I look back on the week I’ve found that perhaps it’s time to take a moment each week and be thankful for things. So today I’m going to list 5 things I’m thankful for and next week I’ll list 5 other ones.

  1. Mr. Rockstar
  2. My children
  3. My grandchil
  4. My parents
  5. My friends

Next week I’ll list more specific things. Maybe I’ll start doing Thankful Thursday’s. That sounds good.

Sláinte! To all!!!!

a good life how blessed you are

 

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Wait a minute, am I really in my 40’s?

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High School…My senior cruise

Truly, it seemed like just the other day I was in my early 30’s and yet the realization that I am in fact in my 40’s, mid 40’s pushing 46 soon. WTH? When did I turn 40 something? When did my hair turn grey–I’ve been coloring it for so long now that I hadn’t realized the front–what used to just be a streak has slowly turned into the whole right front? When did I get these crows feet? When did I put on that 20 lbs, oh wait a minute it’s actually more like 30 or 40 now that I have the uterine fibrosis…And speaking of those damn tumors, when the hell did I end up almost disabled? Since when did I become OLD? I didn’t feel old until I got these damn tumors and am all but disabled. I didn’t feel old before I gained this additional 20 lbs because of the damn tumors either.

I just don’t know when all of this happened. So gradually I didn’t notice, or maybe I’ve just been so happy I haven’t really been paying attention.

I feel like I woke up one morning and I was fat, old, wrinkled, and though I still look much younger than my age–I have aged. I found a picture of me just after I left the ex and then one that is exactly one year later. …There’s a huge difference. Let’s see if I can post them side by side. I’m not so great at getting the pics to line up the way I want them to yet. Nope didn’t get it to work right..So  the one with the red sweater and glasses is 2 months after I left the ex…Christmas of 2009. The other one  is October 2010–one year later. See the vast improvement. I died my hair and got rid of the grey, I began wearing contact lenses again, and I started wearing makeup again–plus I lost 20 lbs. ( Need to lose that 20 lbs plus some all over again.)

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Now here are some other pics. These were taken right around when I saw Mr. Rockstar for the first time but we hadn’t actually met yet. One with curly hair, one with straight hair. (My hair is naturally curly.) May 2011:

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Now here is a pic of how I looked when we met. I’d just cut almost all my hair off. I’d needed a change.

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Now here’s a pic of us when we got engaged:

One of our engagement pictures

One of our engagement pictures

And here’s a pic now:  I can tell how bloated I look. I can tell how happy I am, and I still look younger than I am, but I can also tell that I really have to do something to feel better, to get better, to be healthier because my health, or lack thereof, is beginning to show. Not a good thing. It’s time for some real changes. Now I just need to figure out what I can do (with the tumors, until they can be removed) to feel better and get healthier.

IMG_0957

 
 

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Smiling through the pain

some people just hide it betterAfter my eventful trip to the dentist on Friday afternoon, and then our date night Friday evening, which he spent about 20 minutes of in K-mart trying to find me some Sensi-Gel or OraGel, he’s so sweet. And then Saturday we cleaned part of the house before we left to go to my parents house so my dad’s friend could finish fixing the driver’s side window (the weather channel said we’re getting more rain this week and the idea of yet more rain slowly pouring into my new (used) car and eventually ruining it doesn’t appeal to me at all. Dad’s friend is fixing it for us for free, so I’m happy. He knows we’re in a tight spot right now, and all he asked is that we keep him company while he fixes it and that we have a few drinks with him (we brought him an 18-pack of Bud Light) and Mr. Rockstar had a few beers with him and I had almost a whole bottle of wine. My tooth wasn’t hurting by the time I got halfway through the bottle. But the idea of drinking so I can numb the pain in my tooth and my uterus doesn’t appeal to me. I’ll end up an alcoholic before I can get everything fixed (not a good idea).

I'm fineMr. Rockstar took one look at my face Friday evening and said, “You’re in a lot more pain than you’re letting on.” I nodded. I won’t lie to him. I don’t lie to to him, but I’d tried to hide how much pain I was really in so he wouldn’t worry so much. It’s so much easier to hide the pain from people who don’t really pay attention, but he actually pays attention. I think my daughter must have talked to my mom and realized how much pain I’m in, or exactly what having the uterine fibroid’s means because she’s much more understanding now.

Today I’m supposed to run errands. I have a few things I need toi love you in any condition do, but I’m in a great deal of pain right now, I think the antibiotic is working because instead of just the constant pain I also now have this throbbing pain. I’m assuming the antibiotic is clearing up the infection. And then on top of that, my whole female area: womb is aching, I can feel the pain all the way through from front to my lower back. I’m swollen again–look like I’m about 5 months pregnant. I feel like an alien has taken over my body. My body is no longer my own. It doesn’t feel like it belongs to me anymore. It’s filled with pain constantly. My stomach looks swollen and pregnant, and I’m not. It hurts all the damn time. And I feel like I no longer know who I am or what I’m doing. I’ve lost my way and the pain just tears at me until all sense of direction is gone.

Voice-to-Pain-72During the day I am home by myself and I try to get a few things done around here: I’ll wash dishes but I have to do it in phases because standing up at the sink for a long time like that washing and rinsing and all of that constant movement hurts and by the time I’m done, if I don’t break it up into phases, I’m not much good for the rest of the day. I can sit, as I sit here and type, but after a little while I have to get up and stretch. Until I broke the heating pad I was oftentimes sitting with the heating pad either pressed against my back or my stomach so that I felt better. I’ve broken yet another heating pad.

So now I’m trying to gather the strength to get up and gotough times don't last get dressed (I’m still in pj’s) and then go run the errands I need to run. So far, I haven’t gotten enough strength together. Some days it’s all I can do to walk around, even getting up to go to the bathroom hurts, so getting up and getting dressed and then leaving the house and driving somewhere or to a few where’s and all that walking and getting in and out of the car just seems like way too much. So I sit here at my desk, in the comfort of my home, which my husband works really hard to maintain, and I drink my coffee and I write. I’m working on my novel, but the past few days I’ve been having a little bit of writer’s block. I’m guessing it’s the additional pain from my tooth that has me distracted.

I’m very lucky that my husband is so supportive andpain is temporary caring. He tells me not to worry about it, not to overdo it, and to go ahead and write my book, maybe we’ll get luck and it’ll be a best seller–I don’t care about that part, though it would be nice, I just want to be published. I love reading and writing, and if my words help inspire someone then that would be so amazing and awesome. I’d feel like I really accomplished something. So I sit here with medication on my desk, a reminder that I need to take the antibiotic again at 3 PM, and the pain medication at 2 PM. I have to go to the DR tomorrow. Fun! And I need to call the oral surgeon some time today or tomorrow and try to make an appointment, if he’s part of the network. We have dental insurance and vision, but no health. We just couldn’t afford the $150 a week, and then still have a $10,000 deductible—what kind of craziness is that?

when you're in painYet I feel lazy, worthless, needy, helpless, lonely, and angry and sad all at the same time. I hate being in pain like this. It’s debilitating. I feel like there’s someone holding my body hostage. I want to be free of this damn pain so I can live my own life, my real life again. I want to go back to being able to clean the whole house in a day, to  being able to have sex whenever I want to and not having to wait until I’m having a good day without much pain. I want my own life back, I want my “self” back. But until then, I’ll continue to do the best that I can, and part of that means hiding the pain behind a smile when anyone’s around.

 
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Posted by on March 11, 2013 in around here, Happiness, Health, home, life, love, Mr. Rockstar, Normal, Pain

 

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